Laugh at myself

I'm in such a pitiful state right now. I can't tell whether what I feel is stress or depression. It could possibly be both. Starting off the school year with late night chats that went well into the mornings might have not been the wisest thing to do, given that I have 10 a.m. classes almost every day. Fixing this habit, good or bad, seems to be taking it's toll on me. Setting a curfew has been beneficial to me, but waking up at 7 a.m. is something my body has not adjusted to. Being alone in my dorm room is something I simply detest. The solidarity and loneliness this room brings is something I am not comfortable with. The feeling of being, simply put, free is something I long for here, but I cannot. Work needs to be finished, and classes must be studied for thoroughly. How long can I endure this ongoing torture. Look at what I've become, a mumbling fool, full of complaints and whining. I laugh at myself. Where's my mommy? Where is my soft and warm bed? Pathetic. I would spit on myself if my mouth weren't so conveniently attached to my face.

I am praying to God, literally, that I find a way to get through this ordeal. His help is what I desire the most, because there's just no one else I can always rely on..... is there? Migod!! The more I reread this post, I realize just how childish I am. My desire to delete this post is looking very convincing at the moment. Why am I posting this, my inner most thoughts? jeez..... I guess I'll save that for another, adjective-filled post in the near future.

The start of a new life

So, it's not that easy. It turns out that college is actually a bit more daunting that I initially thought; the classes, especially, appear to be quite the challenge. The transition from a small, private Christian school to the second largest UC in California is no mere walk in the park, but there is one feature, a part of this transition that I overlooked, which is my new-found independence. The ability to control the usage of my time, to walk away from an invitation, to eat or to skip a meal is not what I am familiar with, not at all. The question that runs through my mind is what I am going to with all this time. How can I make the best use of my time? A part of myself wants to run back home, into the safety of my home, but endurance is key. Independence is, admittedly, a scary thought. Where has my confidence gone?...

And so begins the start of a new journey.

To my sister, Christine Rhee version 1

Ever since the fledgling age of five, I've always dreamed of being Christine's flower girl. I imagined walking down a red carpet covered in a white silhouette, throwing a plethora of different colored roses joyously into the air, all the while following the tail of my sister's gorgeous wedding dress, but today I have to give a speech (pause)- a speech about the love my sister, Christine, and my soon to be brother-in-law, Alex, both share for each another.

I first met Alex when I was five, and I admit, he was a bit intimidating. Imagine seeing a tall white man in your house for the first time- it can be quite daunting for a five year old Asian girl. Despite my initial reaction something inside of me told me he was quote unquote "the one" Christine would marry. This feeling I now call intuition was afirmed when I broke a vase, and Alex courageously took the blame for me. I might be thirteen years late but, thank you Alex, and Christine, I'm sorry for breaking the vase.

This is not finished yet

For the remainder of my speech, I could go the usual, cliche route and tell you about when I first met Alex, and how I instantaneously knew he was "the one" my sister would marry, but instead, I will tell you a couple

A day @ Pacific Park Pool

I'm at the local swimming pool. There are so many kids taking lessons here, but one strikes my attention. She's Korean, you can automatically assume many physical attributes, and she's quite large. The way she moves through the water resembles that of a polar bear's swimming. As each paw comes in contact with the water, all you see are pillars of water flying into the air, which simultaneously hit the bystander parents.  Moses himself would grin in appreciation at the sight. Her legs do not kick properly, instead they lunge forward, almost as if they were climbing a horizontal ladder. Her paw just hit another student in the eye. She is caring though. Apologies do not seem to be rare to her, which can be both good and bad. Either way, this girl makes me smile.

Noah and Nathan

Noah and Nathan, the two newest members to the family are brothers, are so different from each other.

I'm not quite sure when, but Noah started talking long before he should have been able to. Noah was also able to solve puzzles with simple ease. At the time, he reminded me of one of those babies who could name the Presidents. In short, the kid is very book smart. He loved watching Toy Story, all of them, and he even started imitating the lines from the movies. I remember him running into our house once shouting, "Howdy! My name's Sheriff Woody!" My dad would then scream back, "NO! You're Mr. Potato-head!" Then, the routine, immature "NO!!" and "YESS!" argument would ensue. He always brought laughter in whatever house he stayed at. He's grown tired of Toy Story, so he's moved on to other Disney and Pixar films like Up and Cars. Despite his growing appetite to be a cartoon character, he is relatively shy and anti social. He doesn't like to talk to other people and he's very protective of his toys. I've seen him and his younger brother, Nathan, fight for toys, in which Nathan would always win.

Nathan, on the other hand, is the compete opposite of his older brother. I believe they're about 2 years apart, but Nathan possesses much more physical strength than Noah. He's notoriously known for breaking things and running through board games. I don't think he can talk yet, but I feel he's going to be quite the stud when he grows up. Sorry Noah. I imagine him growing up to the be star captain of a sports team and getting all the cheer leaders. Luckily, Cousin Daniel will be there to shoo them away.

Sometimes, Nathan and Noah remind me of my brother and I, but I won't delve into that. Until later~

Saying Goodbye

Move on, but do not forget the memories you shared and how your friends changed your life.

I admit it: I miss my Korean friends, especially Pierre and Minnie. We share so many memories together it's almost impossible not to think about them every day. Today, Pierre is a grown man in college, with died hair, and contacts, but I still remember him as the shorter adolescent with black hair, glasses, and who was scolded by his father frequently. It's quite amusing how someone can change so much in such a short time. I'm going to miss his sense of humor and contagious joy. Although I don't have as much past memories of Minnie, I became much closer to her this year, all the more harder to say goodbye. Her innocence, laughter, singing ability, and generosity are irreplaceable. Now that we're in this great age of technology, I can communicate with them; regardless, I still miss their faces. I know what I've said, but I've decided to move on. Dwelling on the past will not help me in any way. Mr. Insensitive has just entered the building and I apologize. A new school year is approaching, and I plan on forming new relationships.

I know that I will miss my friends, and they might miss me, but asldkffasnddsavnweioqaqls. I can't finish this sentence. It looks like I'm much more sensitive than I thought. I wish I could have both friends and school, but I know I can't. I am dreading the day I have to say goodbye for the last time to many of my friends.

Thank you

Dear Diane and Diana,
First of all, I just wanted to say thanks for the most awesomest and amazingest SMT ever. I'm glad I could finish my SMT career with such a great trip.

Diana, if you ever see this post, I want you to know that I despised your rumors, not you, with a great intensity. On a more positive note, you have such a creative and spontaneous mind, although narcissistic, and it still continues to amaze me. I also thoroughly enjoyed experiencing first- hand your infatuation with Aaron and his drums. It would really make my day if you said "Oh My God" for me one more time.You are one heck of a girl and I know that God has marvelous things planned out for you.

Diane. Diane. Diane. I don't know where to start with you. When I first met you, I thought you were a dick, BUT it's not the same anymore. hahaha. I now know that my first impression of you was completely wrong, so please don't be depressed. You are the best partner I could hope for and also a great friend. Getting close to you was something I really enjoyed doing, and SMT is over; therefore means that the "sister" label has been lifted, so don't expect me to be so nice and gracious to you as I once was. Just kidding :)
Ya. I hope that we can continue to keep in touch in college and I WILL visit whenever the opportunity arises so... hopefully, I won't be too busy. Though the distance is far, our friendship will continue to grow ever stronger. I made that up just now. That was inspiring wasn't it? Hahahahah. I crack myself up.